Happyblox

Impossible? No, Christian Music Now Sucks Even More.

I know, I know, how could it get any worse than Stryper right? Oh it gets worse my friends. Much much worse. Much like the rings of hell I suppose Stryper is only but the cusp of Christian rock suckieness. (see this vid of Scott Ian from Anthrax's take on opening for Stryper.... worth the click.) In fact it would take a higher power to properly gauge exactly how much suckatude has been produced from this genre of music. Impossible for mere mortals to calculate. Your really setting yourself up for failure as a religious rock band to begin with. It's rock, the epitome of discourse and rebellion. Somehow prayer circles and bible stories don't seem to blend in there too well. I was honestly looking up Christian rock bands to link you little buggers to but I can't do it. I can't sit though one video so I will not ask you to do the same. Except one. This video sinks even Christian rock to a new low. Make that music to a new low. Just because you can "do a voice" doesn't mean you should.....ever.


Oh and I am not being bias, I think Matisyahu sucks too.

A Rant About Religious Foundations

What if it were true and life is found on other planets, even in our own solar system? Would we really be unchained from religion? Or will we most likely all look at each other, preaching to the quire and going “you see? You see there is no god!” all the while converting nobody and changing nothing. Faith is a genuine emotion, something a lot of religious critics fail to talk about. It is a real emotion twisted and used against its own patrons by the Church but faith is probably twisted a little farther than most. That is to say they seem to get more juice… zombie juice… from faith. Lust is notoriously repressed as is greed although the Church excels at both but falls short on faith. It is the one emotion “the faithful” have retained however false the direction. The clergy have faith, don’t get me wrong but from different eyes. They claim they are closer to god when the structure of the church itself  defines everything god is supposed to be against. Free thinking is frowned upon, horrible crimes go unpunished and faith directly collides with power and politics. This is inside knowledge to Church officials and that simply has to affect your faith. The faith of the Spanish housewife praying for her kids or the Greek mason worker at Sunday mass is greater than the pope’s. Their faith is clean and pure regardless of the fact that it is coupled with ignorance and a lot of the time active ignorance.

Finding non intelligent life on another planet will not have the mass scientific conversion a lot of people think it will. The faithful have already ignored countless research and educated theories and scientific laws so what is another lame science fact to them brought to you by the Mr. Wizards of this world who make fun of God by trying to use the brain he gave them? Nothing. The blind will remain blind and the visionaries will continue to shock and awe the percentage of the community who will listen and honor different views and ideas about why we are here and who we think we are. I suppose each end of the coin is still the same coin because to believe in science requires an amount of faith too. Of course it’s backed up by reason among other things but there is some faith in there too. Just like I have faith in nothing shaking the religious foundations of this world short of the return of the messiah, so we can finally see who was right.

If it’s a flying spaghetti monster I win.

Go Pink Tigers!

Swap the tables and you see how ridiculous the Christian stance is on homosexuality specifically, but in general just about everything.

glumbert - Gay scientists isolate Christian gene

Dig The Happybox Lights.

Today I bring you Happybox lights. Recharge your Human powers before it's rich glow. Huddle around it and hold hands to it like an ever present ever burning fire. Submit to the square perfection. Shake in the midst of it's humbling power.

So I bought this funky lamp at Ikia and then I drew on it with a Sharpie. *ahem*

Get on your knees before the mighty smiling deity!

Religious Haikus For Sunday.

Ever on my quest to debunk religion as a whole, I have written some Haiku poems describing each religion. This way it will be easy for the kids to pick out which story they have to believe in. What? It's better than being born into it, this way you have no false connections. God, that's what we need, more false connections. Anyway, enjoy and God bless.

Christianity:
Virgin birthed a son
He preached peaceful things be done
Returned as a ghost

Judaism:
God gave Moses rules
He marched the slaves to freedom
and a burning bush?

Hinduism:
Souls in life reborn
Many gods bring good Karma
pleasure and success

Islam:
Surrender to God
Muhammad's revelation
the final prophet

Scientology:
Pay for your level
Xenu the alien waits
bend spoons with your mind

Pastafarian:
Spaghetti monster's
noodely appendages
beer volcanoes flow

Agnostic:
I believe in God
but your stories make me sick
God would be sick too

Atheist:
God does not exist
so your stories make me sick
don't worry so much

Of course all these poems have been approved by the Council Representing All Practices, a group that I just made up, insuring that everyone associated with any of these religious or un-religious practices approves of these Haiku's as viable descriptions of their said religion.

Religious Leader Reveals Small Part Of The Lie.

This article in the Telegraph UK says it all. The Archbishop, you know, one of those funny lookin' dudes, was quoted as saying the nativity scene is just a legend. (thank you Felix for this find)
"Dr Rowan Williams has claimed there was little evidence that the Magi even existed and there was certainly nothing to prove there were three of them or that they were kings."
If you ask me, which you didn't but this is my blog (god I hate that word) so I will tell you anyway, this is just a tiny fraction of bullshit the church is WELL aware of. I bet he gets demoted. No more fancy silk robes or funny hats for YOU! I bet his I.Q. went up 20 points after that realization.
So this Christmas, think of Happyblox and burn your tree, tell your neighbor to buy his own god damn presents and finish the eggnog face first. Then go to sleep with a smile knowing there is no one judging you and you will never have to account for your actions. Good deeds should not be done in the face of threats, good deeds should not be done in light of saving your own ass. They should be done because your a good person and you don't need some earthly swindler claiming he has a direct link to your supernatural judge to make you do them. Be nice because being nice feels good. If Jesus was here right now I would smack him with a dead fish.

Are You A Good Person? I'm Not.

This weekend my friend Howie and I went up to Killington Vermont to do some snowboarding. It went very well. Saturday afternoon we headed back to the truck parked at Killington's K1 gondola parking lot to find this little number under my snow covered windshield wiper. (click thumbnail) An illustrated evangelical Christian pamphlet egotistically asking me through it's title, "Are you a good person?" Someone walked around in 7 degree weather to put these on hundreds of vehicles. "That is damn impressive" I initially thought but was soon not in such a laughing mood, in fact I was sick to my god damn stomach. Here is the pamphlets contents. Let's go through it, shall we?

Page 1 brings disappointment straight off because I was pretty sure I was going to rate in the "actually, not so bad" category as far as nice guys go but I already sensed I was going to be very wrong in the eyes of this all knowing cartoon pamphlet. I was also pretty sure that in 3 small frames they have managed to make me smile, make me frown, confuse me and commit entrapment. Okay, maybe this is worth reading, it's like a good movie.

This frame paints a pretty moron free picture of where they are going. I am bad. I am bad because I failed to adhere to the commandments of their god. I am minding my own business, enjoying nature for the day and I am socked with the information that I am, apparently, not a good person. I don't know why they want me to adhere to laws I don't believe in but in any case I don't like where this is going.

This frame tackles a subject that is very touchy with the church, sex. And by touchy I mean touchy. As in touchy feely. They quote jesus blabbing about how lusting a woman is adultery and thats a sin. Or, in hip-hop, "Don't be cheatin' on your ol' lady, yo". But of course they take it literally, every freakin word, which is funny because people who wrote this pamphlet voted in our president who seems to enjoy killing other people that take literally every word of a different book. Does the story of the Star Bellied Sneeches ring a bell?

 

Now comes the interesting part. This is where it gets super rich. This is where they start to blame you for your own thoughts. "Suppose we could put a device in your brain that would record all your private thoughts?" Oh I bet they would do just about anything for that. It would be like the ultimate conversion tool, using people against themselves to prove to themselves that they are evil. It's like philosophy 101 but for obvious retards who would rather be sheep than anything original, creative or positive.

This is where it goes from absurd and amusing to pathetic and sad. Theres Osamma and Saddam with hitler and a kkk guy thrown in there for good measure trying to make the point that I am as bad as a mass murdering, racist, terrorist dictator. Unless of course I send them a check. Then I could be any one of a large number of ass hats who need praise from others so desperately that they will sign their life away, as long as they are "saved".

Uh-oh, it appears the Evangelists have learned math. Well at least up to and including 2000 for the number of years Earth has been around. Nothing better to widdle down a persons self worth with than making them count every "sin" they have ever thought. I hope they don't feel bad, my 2nd grade teacher tried to do that once and she failed also.

So this scene basically tells me that the only way I can be forgiven and find my place by gods side and avoid eternal damnation would be to have a sinless person take my punishment. Wait a second, what? Are they really telling me that rather than owning up to my sins and take whats coming to me I should let an innocent person take my punishment? Isn't that like sacrificing a virgin? I have a good idea of who they have in mind to take the punishment that will be fueled by my evilness but the whole concept is flawed. What if I don't want someone else to take the rap for me? What if I want to take my chances? That makes me a bad person? That wouldn't show signs of, oh I don't know, Honor? Integrity? Responsibility? Oh, I am sorry, those are traits only a person of free will can contemplate.

Finally we end with a sadly predictable last frame to the pamphlet. A Dark Knight-ish graphic and the usual religion right wing jargon. I also love the grave of jesus, and it is always the same looking; an above ground hollow stone with a large bolder moved aside to symbolize jesus being reborn. Very Flinstones. Would you really spend all that time carving a doorway out of rock then skimp on the door and just use a boulder? Is that any way to pay homage to a carpenter? The final line reminds me that I should tell others of the good news, which I am fulfilling now. The good news is the notion and concepts described in this pamphlet will remain nothing more than a soggy, wet paper stuffed under my windshield. I only wish that were the case for everyone because that is all the merit it deserves.

Oh yeah, and to further prove I am Hell bound for sure, I drew this picture on Howie's i-phone mere hours before reading this pamphlet. Coincidence? Yeah. Probably.