Happyblox

Screw Milk, Got Oxygen? Images Of A Keystone Xmas.

Okay so I stole that off a T-shirt from Keystone Colorado last week. My girlfriend and I joined some friends up there to celebrate xmas and such, but really to ski and snowboard. Jennie picked it up in 3 days fully linking turns and making it down the 3 mile trail. The whole pod helped train her and the crash course paid off. She may be black and blue but she is a black and blue snowboarder now. Other than spending time teaching the painful art of riding, we did stuff like this. So yes there was some drinking. The room was not up to slope side standards, at least of the twenty first century, so I let them know in the guest book. The party alligator stayed in the room to watch over things while every day we hit the mountains. The windows were particularly fun although they took another piece of Jbird this time in the form of a bruised spleen and liver. The woods love to inflict pain. J is a tough fella so I am sure he will be out and about in the windows real soon. In the mean time I made this little movie for you to watch while you re-coop. Oh, and you don't need to have sore ribs to watch it either.

Religious Leader Reveals Small Part Of The Lie.

This article in the Telegraph UK says it all. The Archbishop, you know, one of those funny lookin' dudes, was quoted as saying the nativity scene is just a legend. (thank you Felix for this find)
"Dr Rowan Williams has claimed there was little evidence that the Magi even existed and there was certainly nothing to prove there were three of them or that they were kings."
If you ask me, which you didn't but this is my blog (god I hate that word) so I will tell you anyway, this is just a tiny fraction of bullshit the church is WELL aware of. I bet he gets demoted. No more fancy silk robes or funny hats for YOU! I bet his I.Q. went up 20 points after that realization.
So this Christmas, think of Happyblox and burn your tree, tell your neighbor to buy his own god damn presents and finish the eggnog face first. Then go to sleep with a smile knowing there is no one judging you and you will never have to account for your actions. Good deeds should not be done in the face of threats, good deeds should not be done in light of saving your own ass. They should be done because your a good person and you don't need some earthly swindler claiming he has a direct link to your supernatural judge to make you do them. Be nice because being nice feels good. If Jesus was here right now I would smack him with a dead fish.

Why Can't Bands Kick Ass Like This Anymore?

Granted late shows like Conan's Show and Late Night have nearly perfectly mixed sound, bands just don't kick ass on those shows anymore. You may have Tool or some crap wannabe metal bands attempting but they always sound wrong. Anyway I was cruising the You Tube and found this gem from a 1990 Arsenio Hall Show. It's Megadeth with Hanger 18 which they shortened up due to airtime by killing a lot of the lead in riffs so they could get the main solos in. Because, You know, you can't kick ass without multiple screaming, flame throwing, lightning fast solos, can ya? No. No you can't.

You gotta love Arsenio tyeing absolutely everything into a sub par urban slang crucification with  that introduction.... "Some bands bust a move but this band busts your brain." *chuckle* I swear I was totally entertained watching his show though so no hate for Arsenio here. And was Hanger 18 really a "hit single" or was that just compared to their other releases? I am sure Dave Mustain (yes thats a link to his shout out to me again, screw you I love it, thanks again xversusy.) would disagree but I am glad they never went Metallica. Never mind album sales but having fans arrested for downloading songs is just pathetic. You know come to think of it I would replace Carson Daily with Arsenio right this second if I could.

Are You A Good Person? I'm Not.

This weekend my friend Howie and I went up to Killington Vermont to do some snowboarding. It went very well. Saturday afternoon we headed back to the truck parked at Killington's K1 gondola parking lot to find this little number under my snow covered windshield wiper. (click thumbnail) An illustrated evangelical Christian pamphlet egotistically asking me through it's title, "Are you a good person?" Someone walked around in 7 degree weather to put these on hundreds of vehicles. "That is damn impressive" I initially thought but was soon not in such a laughing mood, in fact I was sick to my god damn stomach. Here is the pamphlets contents. Let's go through it, shall we?

Page 1 brings disappointment straight off because I was pretty sure I was going to rate in the "actually, not so bad" category as far as nice guys go but I already sensed I was going to be very wrong in the eyes of this all knowing cartoon pamphlet. I was also pretty sure that in 3 small frames they have managed to make me smile, make me frown, confuse me and commit entrapment. Okay, maybe this is worth reading, it's like a good movie.

This frame paints a pretty moron free picture of where they are going. I am bad. I am bad because I failed to adhere to the commandments of their god. I am minding my own business, enjoying nature for the day and I am socked with the information that I am, apparently, not a good person. I don't know why they want me to adhere to laws I don't believe in but in any case I don't like where this is going.

This frame tackles a subject that is very touchy with the church, sex. And by touchy I mean touchy. As in touchy feely. They quote jesus blabbing about how lusting a woman is adultery and thats a sin. Or, in hip-hop, "Don't be cheatin' on your ol' lady, yo". But of course they take it literally, every freakin word, which is funny because people who wrote this pamphlet voted in our president who seems to enjoy killing other people that take literally every word of a different book. Does the story of the Star Bellied Sneeches ring a bell?

 

Now comes the interesting part. This is where it gets super rich. This is where they start to blame you for your own thoughts. "Suppose we could put a device in your brain that would record all your private thoughts?" Oh I bet they would do just about anything for that. It would be like the ultimate conversion tool, using people against themselves to prove to themselves that they are evil. It's like philosophy 101 but for obvious retards who would rather be sheep than anything original, creative or positive.

This is where it goes from absurd and amusing to pathetic and sad. Theres Osamma and Saddam with hitler and a kkk guy thrown in there for good measure trying to make the point that I am as bad as a mass murdering, racist, terrorist dictator. Unless of course I send them a check. Then I could be any one of a large number of ass hats who need praise from others so desperately that they will sign their life away, as long as they are "saved".

Uh-oh, it appears the Evangelists have learned math. Well at least up to and including 2000 for the number of years Earth has been around. Nothing better to widdle down a persons self worth with than making them count every "sin" they have ever thought. I hope they don't feel bad, my 2nd grade teacher tried to do that once and she failed also.

So this scene basically tells me that the only way I can be forgiven and find my place by gods side and avoid eternal damnation would be to have a sinless person take my punishment. Wait a second, what? Are they really telling me that rather than owning up to my sins and take whats coming to me I should let an innocent person take my punishment? Isn't that like sacrificing a virgin? I have a good idea of who they have in mind to take the punishment that will be fueled by my evilness but the whole concept is flawed. What if I don't want someone else to take the rap for me? What if I want to take my chances? That makes me a bad person? That wouldn't show signs of, oh I don't know, Honor? Integrity? Responsibility? Oh, I am sorry, those are traits only a person of free will can contemplate.

Finally we end with a sadly predictable last frame to the pamphlet. A Dark Knight-ish graphic and the usual religion right wing jargon. I also love the grave of jesus, and it is always the same looking; an above ground hollow stone with a large bolder moved aside to symbolize jesus being reborn. Very Flinstones. Would you really spend all that time carving a doorway out of rock then skimp on the door and just use a boulder? Is that any way to pay homage to a carpenter? The final line reminds me that I should tell others of the good news, which I am fulfilling now. The good news is the notion and concepts described in this pamphlet will remain nothing more than a soggy, wet paper stuffed under my windshield. I only wish that were the case for everyone because that is all the merit it deserves.

Oh yeah, and to further prove I am Hell bound for sure, I drew this picture on Howie's i-phone mere hours before reading this pamphlet. Coincidence? Yeah. Probably.

Reverend Billy Says "Stop The Shopocolypse" & I Say "Seriously".

If by now you have not heard, the movie What Would Jesus Buy comes out December 14th. (limited release.... New York location is Cinema Village 22 East 12th Street, New York, NY 10013) This is by the same guy who brought you Supersize Me. It's about The Reverend Billy and his Church of the Stop Shopping. Reverend Billy is an anti consumerism activist who travels the country protesting how and where we spend our Christmas loot. At first I was merely amused by his outlandish style and really smart comedic timing (as seen on this Glenn Beck interview). I soon realized that it is a lot deeper and a lot more important than the whimsical pace of the movies tailor. It is a lot more important than any movie can ever be because it is about real issues that effect real people right now. Issues that we are on the wrong side of. Issues we couldn't look at unless spoon fed to us through a flashy sarcastic religious figure, seemingly mocking the church but scrupulously and intentionally spreading the truth about our spending that we knew was there all along. This is about so many things that are completely back ass wrong in this country that it is literally hard to keep up with them all.
It is about the end of the small town businesses through our "Wall Mart mentality". It is about the combined power of the consumers that is being ignored and used by a tiny fraction of people to buy low and sell high causing chain reactions that end in horrible situations for hundreds of thousands of people you will never meet. It is about fiscal responsibility, a term politicians throw around with no regard to it's actual description. (along with "freedom", "security" and "patriotism".) It's about the amount of incredibly stupid Americans (I am sorry, but I am looking at you Mid West) who feed at the troth with no care in the world or even worse ignore what little information they can retain. This is where I am supposed to say "it is also about making changes yourself" or "doing your part" but thats bullshit. Most people I know do buy local and are aware of foreign brands and how bad knock offs are. I am not saying they don't (we don't) buy things from large chains but we don't rely on them which is what makes them able to get so large.  (seriously, it's freakin mad! watch this 3 parter and you will see what I mean)
I guess, most of all, it is about greed. About how powerful that "sin" is. How intoxicating it is. You think the top Ceo's at Nike don't know that their shoes are being made by 12 year olds? You think the top dogs at Mall Mart, selling Chinese plastics being made by unprotected women and children for next to nothing don't know where the product is coming from or how it is that they can buy things that cheap? It is scary because it really is as evil as a comic book. So far the good Reverend has officially been banned from Starbucks by protesting like this. So that is another notch in his cool belt. I hope he succeeds in opening some eyes, he sure opened mine and I hope that people who rely on these large corporations for absolutely everything realize that he is speaking to them and buy something in a local store sometime. Who knows if it will help but at this point it can't hurt. Go see this flick.

Moon In My Room.

My girlfriend got me a sick Rangers jersey (with the laces) which I absolutely love and am positive I will spill much beer on @ MSG but she also got me this. It's a Moon In My Room from Uncle Milton Toys. (I know, kind of a creepy name for a toy company) Most of their toys are strictly for kids but they are all somewhat educational. I don't know how much a kid actually learns from an ant farm, but they also have little cars that run on solar power and other assorted Bill Nye type stuff. This moon in my room however is amazing and anyone who digs the moon will enjoy it. It may not be like having the harvest moon outside your apartment but it is amazingly close. It has a remote control that cycles through the moons lunar phases either manually or automatically.(click thumbnail to see it in action) Feel like a full moon is too bright? Hit the switch and your chillin' under a quarter moon. The model itself is about 10 inches across and flat on the bottom so you can hang it on the wall. It is realistically detailed as well. Great gift! She knows me well. Maybe next year I can get a full sized version.

Pizza

Headbanging May Cause BlankTV.com.

I recently stumbled upon a great site called BlankTV.com. "The largest collection of Punk, Ska, Oi, hardcore and Indie music videos anywhere!" If your like me and can't tell what makes something an "Oi" band versus a "Ska" band (something having to do with a horn section???) then just consider it a collection of really cool videos your parents would still hate. They got some great stuff from Operation Ivy to The Clash. Even checked out a few Suicidal Tendencies vids although that newer "Pop Song" sucks,the oldies are still goodies. ("All I wanted was a Pepsi") Which led me to a conclusion that remains steadfast in my psyche, Heavy Metal is better than Punk. Punk is great but heavy metal is greater. They both have their whammies but in general I will take my music metalized any day. To be honest with you my favorite kind of metal is the metal that's closest to punk. Like Iron Maiden back in the day (1980 even), with Paul Di Anno singing and the entire original cast of characters. No Nico on drums even! Here is what I mean. Enjoy and rock out.

6 Hours Of Chappelle, Hell?

In another world shattering headline CNN.com (the most trusted name in news you know) brings you this AP piece, Dave Chappelle's Stand Up Marathon. It seems, not to be outdone by Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle did a 6 hour and 12 minute set. WTF? How can anyone be funny for 6 hours? I can see how things may become funny after 6 hours but not be funny for 6 hours. The last part of Ghandi was funny to me if only because I was sitting in a movie theater chair for 3 hours. Listen, making sure Dane Cook holds no other records other than annoying the most people in one place at one time (previously held by Gallagher) is a good thing and I am all for that but it's getting kind of hard to defend being a Chapelle fan. First he disappears then walks out on a multi million dollar deal then goes to Africa.... these are all weird enough. Maybe not by themselves but in that order and in quick succession it looks a bit extravagant to say the least. Now he is going for world records in comedy endurance?  I am on Dave's side, don't get me wrong, his explanations, not that he owes me any, have all been totally valid but it's almost like he expects everyone to understand someone that is doing what they need to do. No one ever understands that. That's why they are things you have to do and not things someone else has to do. I always found most world record holders to be messed up anyway, maybe this is just nature taking its course. I guess simply based on my love of Chappelle's comedy I have no choice but to remain a fan and I would LOVE to at least skim that 6 hour performance. Hollah if you hear anything about it.
Speaking of brilliant yet irrational comedians, I really miss Mitch Hedberg. He filled a void in modern day stand up that to this day hasn't been touched. (that sounded perverted but it was sincere.) My favorite Mitch Hedberg quote is "I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."
At least David Cross is still alive and kicking ass and George Carlin is still making waves.

Larping Japanimation Style.

This is the first video to make me laugh this hard in a few months. It's called "I'm in ur manger, killin gur savior" and it's a Japanimation style cartoon about larping. (plus it makes fun of the nativity scene which is a plus in my book.) Larping is Live Action Roll Playing which is just as stupid as it sounds. While I like a good mmorpg like the rest of 'em larping goes beyond sad into the laughably pathetic. Someone created a documentary about it you can watch here. (Who watches the witches?) These geeks make you feel like the school jock even if your a programmer, have never played football in your life and still live with mom. Insert virginity joke here. I agree with one of the.... elves, that people like roll playing, but most do it within a virtual world, or they have real consequences like paitball. I don't know, maybe I just want to shoot all these guys with a paintballs. Here are some great videos about larping that you will enjoy if not for any other reason than to make yourself feel cool. video 1.(don't say I didn't warn you when you go around thinking "lighting bolt lighting bolt!!" all day) video 2. Larp on weirdos!